Does this sound like me?

My apologies for not posting more frequently this week, steadfast readers. The Sassmaster's presence has been required in the office for more time than my lazy ass is used to working. In the meantime, to tide you over until I can return to describing my life in mind-numbing detail, here is an astrological reading someone did for me. How do you think she did?

Tara: Sun in Sagittarius, moon in Aries, ascendant in Sagittarius
I was floating in the ocean on Sunday thinking about your chart Tara.

Some people say that this kind of chart (all one element, in your case fire) means that you may lack balance in your personality. But I think it can also mean that you are very consistent in your approach to life and don't suffer from the same kinds of inner conflicts that many of us do.

I see Sag, Aries, Sag as exceptionally honest and open person. You almost never lie and your life is pretty much an open book. You are likely extremely high energy and somewhat impulsive. The Sagittarian wants everthing and the Aries wants it now. That said, you are prone to excess, but not intense obsession. For example, if there is plenty of food or drink to be had you are likely to overindulge, but you won't necessarily give it much thought or even seek it out. You can be greedy in a child like "eyes are bigger than your stomach" sense, but you are never selfish.

You are, in fact, exceptionally generous. Maybe even too trusting and generous for your own good. You can be moody and hot tempered, but you are not vindicative. Most of your bad moods will quickly blow over. Those who know you best don't take these outbursts seriously.

You are also exceptionally lucky. Narrow escapes, miraculous coincidences. just plain old good luck with everything you do.

You are in love with the idea of travel and if this desire is not filled you could become frustrated.

You are rarely alone, you seek out the company of others and when you don't, somehow they end up finding you.

You have a definite lazy side, but you never really relax as you are bursting with ideas and enthusiasm, if not always a practical plan. You may wish for greater emotional stability, intuition and focus.

You are a do gooder (Sagis are quite often activists and prone to take up causes or people as causes) and are likely naturally talented in technical skills to include scientific mastery of creative subjects such as music theory or graphic arts. You are also a person who needs the validation of others and to feel needed. Tara is not afraid complain, after all, she is just being honest.


- posted by Trudes @ 8:44 PM

 
Incoherent blathering

One of the things I really love about Chicago is the abundance of restaurants and high-quality cuisine available. So where did I eat lunch today? Taco Bell. I justify my choice because a) it is cheap, b) I don't eat the grade F- horse meat, and c) they have the Tostada! For those of you not familiar with this delectable concotion (as they abolished it in Mass), it consists of a flat, hard shell, a squirt of refried beans, a drizzle of hot sauce, and a smattering of cheese and cruchy lettuce. Mmmm....food porn.

I met Sra. Ochoa in the flesh today. She gave me her phone number and e-mail address and offered to practice Spanish with me any time. Aww! What a sweet gal! Now I feel bad that I pretended that she called me a gringo in a previous entry. It was mere dramatic license, Sra!

This past weekend was HC Homecoming, and I do believe that the comments section would be an excellent place to embarrass the shit out of your friends by describing their drunken behavior. (OK, OK, I'll stop with the shameless comments plugs!)

I apologize for the lack of coherence in today's entry, but I know that my saucy readers believe that variety is the spice of life. Variety and Taco Bell hot sauce, that is.
- posted by Trudes @ 7:43 PM

 
D'oh!

My day began on Friday in typical Tara fashion: you all know the drill from my exciting descriptions of it. On that particular day, I will freely admit that my walk to work may have been more of a strut, because as we know, I'm a sexy beast. I was wearing a lavender button-down shirt that brings out my eyes, and a pair of sassy black pants that fit me really well.

So, I wasn't entirely surprised when a 40-something man of the sketchy variety approached me on the street, and leered with a lecherous grin, "You look really great." I was, however, insulted by his unwelcome advance, immediately ready to show his bald mulleted ass that I did not appreciate his sleazy line. As I mustered the dirtiest look I could produce, I also readied my knee to connect with his groin just in case he didn't take the hint.

Then, a bombshell from the stranger. His grin widened into a smile of the cockiest variety as he delivered his follow-up: "You have a hole in the back of your pants." Rendering me speechless and open-mouthed, he winked and breezed past me, smarmy as can be. (The messenger always gets shot, doesn't he?)

Sure enough, he was right. My pants had split right down the seam, exposing not only my rather small pair of underwear, but a generous portion of bare, white Trudel ass for the masses. I was two blocks from work. I had no choice but to press on.

Luckily, as soon as I got to work, someone gave me a jacket that was long enough to cover the damage. I only suffered some good-natured ribbing at the hands of my co-workers, and the loss of a pair of pants that I really like and had only worn twice. A small price to pay for flashing my rear to the rush hour crowds, indeed.



- posted by Trudes @ 1:15 PM

 
Hi, my name is Tara...

...and I'm officially addicted to friendster. For those of you who have not yet succumbed to its wiles, I highly recommend checking it out. It's a great way to waste your life away, checking into the endless and eerie possibilities of the six degrees of separation realm. (I'm still waiting to be connected to Kevin Bacon, though.)


- posted by Trudes @ 6:57 PM

 
A Day in the Life

7:30 am: The screaming banshee that is Scott's alarm clock wrenches me from my sleep, undoubtedly causing psychological damage.

7:40 am: I drag my bleary-eyed ass into the shower, where I switch into "automatic pilot" mode. At this point, I'm certainly not awake.

8:00 am: Commence grooming. I russle through my wardrobe in the hopes of finding something that does not fall into the "pajama" genre that I can wear to work. Also, I kick myself for not going shopping for grown-up attire.

8:30 am: I depart the Love Den, as Maura so aptly named it, and begin my 1 1/2 block walk to the El. Flippity-flop go my shoes, since my attempt to wear fancy-pants work shoes only resulted in blisters.

8:34-8:36ish: The sweet Brown Line approaches the platform to whisk me away to work. If I'm lucky, I get a seat and I read such fine publications as Newsweek and the New Yorker. If not, I must battle awkward moments as I inevitably touch and fall into strangers all the way downtown.

8:50: "This is Library, State, and Van Buren. Transfer to Orange and Purple Line Trains at Library, State, and Van Buren. Doors closing. Ding-dong chimes". I debark and make my way down quaint, charming Publisher's Row.

9:00: I'm so prompt! What a model employee. I check my voice-mail and e-mail, hoping that nobody is asking a question that I don't know how to answer yet.

9:00 - 5:00: Down to biz-nass. Right now my jobs include taking registrations, planning auditions, helping set up the fall schedule of classes, translating letters into Spanish, and trying not to fuck up.

12:00: Mmmm...lunch. I've been brown-baggin' it, just like in my good ol' high school days. (It was even better back then, because Rach used to make my lunch for me so I wouldn't make her eager-beaver freshman ass late for school.)

5:00: Back on the El, for some reading and people watching. Let me tell you, there are some strange people who utilize the public transportation system. I, of course, am not one of them.

5:20: There's no place like home! Scott is usually home already, taking a break from his noble study of the law to play some ridiculously gory boy video game with all the other 15-year old nerdy boys online.

6:00: Dinner. We usually get take-out, because we are a) lazy, b) terrible cooks, and c) I cannot continue the diet of Lean Cuisine and nachos that I subsisted on at 50 College.

7:00: Waste my evening with mindless online activities. I can't completely abandon my slothful unemployed ways yet. Maybe I'll find something productive to do some day.

11:00: Sometimes, I go out like the rock star that I am. Most of the time, I just stay in and rock my apartment. Hopefully, marijuana is also involved.


There you have my riveting account of a day in the life in the city. I assure you that my weekends are much more fast-paced and thrilling. For example, this Saturday, I'll be...going into work. D'oh!



- posted by Trudes @ 8:04 PM

 
Ladies and gents, it's hard work being the Sassmaster. Always regaling you all with my wit, charm, and beauty (well, cyber beauty) is a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. Today, however, that someone is not me. Channeling the ghost of Ann Landers, I bring you a sassed-up version of the old fashioned Gem of the Day. Courtesy of Andy Flynn, aka Flynnstone, comes this haiku about being a grown-up and partying in grad school.


too old for frosh babes;
peter pan complex still rules.
the result? no tail.


The haiku is such an under-utilized genre, is it not? Anyone who thinks they can challenge Mr. Flynn's haiku superiority is welcome to send me their haiku submissions. If it makes me laugh, giggle, chortle, lol, chuckle, or titter (huh, huh. I said titter.), I'll post it! Be fairly warned that Mr. Flynn has been known to bust a phat rhyme or two in his day, and may do some trash-talking in response. (Lord knows that a flame war could do wonders for the popularity of this place!)

In conclusion, I'd like to wish the happiest of birthdays to Quinnie, who hit the milestone birthday of...never mind. There are no more milestones until 65. I don't know if he ever checks in here, but happy birthday anyway, Ryan!
- posted by Trudes @ 6:41 PM

 
Entering: The Rat Race

Big news for the Sassmaster: I got the job! My incredible 4-month stint of unemployment, sloth, and non-existent productivity is coming to an end as of tomorrow. (Apparently, Sra. Ochoa was kind. Muchas gracias, Sra!) For those of you who don't know, I'll be working at a non-profit music school whose primary goal is to provide musical opportunities for disadvantaged kids. They're also giving me Spanish tutoring, since I'm in charge of communicating with the Spanish-speaking parents. I'm really, really psyched about it. At this time, I'd like to give a shout-out to Scotty the Hottie for finding the website that listed the job, Rach and Allie for helping me practice Spanish, and Maura and Lins for posting lots of comments on my blog. The rest of you, my sexy readers, should take note of Maura and Lins's fine example!



- posted by Trudes @ 8:31 PM

 
College nostalgia

I'll freely admit it. Now that everyone is back at school and I am not, my grown-uppery is really setting in. I'm really, really jealous of all those irresponsible kids who are partying it up, not thinking about the future, and taking classes like Human Reproduction and Balinese Gamelan. I miss the smoky, way-too-crowded bars with the shitty music that inspires random strangers to attempt to press their crotches up against me in a sorry attempt at dancing. In fact, I miss so many things about college that I am inspired to compose a top ten list for your viewing pleasure. Here goes:

Top Ten Things I Miss About College

10. Procrastinating - I'll just watch one more episode of Friends. I caaan't go out - but I will, anyway. There's nothing quite like the rush of finishing a paper or studying for a test 10 minutes before class, running on 4 hours of sleep because you went out and partied way too hard the night before. Senior year, I felt that most assignments were a challenge from my professor to have even *more* fun than I would have if I didn't have something due.

9. Holy Pub Beer! - There was something magical (or at least chemically unsafe) about the beer in the HC pub. One pub beer, I'm tipsy. Three - forget it! I'm actually drunk enough to eat the nasty-ass popcorn! One legendary Tuesday will always live in infamy - the day my roommates and I discovered the medicinal powers of the pub. We all felt like we were getting sick, but soldiered into the pub, anyway. The next day, not only were we the healthiest girls on campus, we were also the hottest.

8. Almost, but never actually, getting caught for our debauchery - I know plenty of kids who were held down by "the Man" and were written up by a hard-ass RA or hauled in by the WoPo. Somehow, miraculously, we avoided the wrath of authority figures for four years. There were certainly close calls, sweet memories like the time I was puking and convinced the RA that I'd only had "three", the time a cop just walked into Scott's speakeasy on Electric St, and a Carlin party where an RA showed up before any of our 75 guests arrived when it was just the 5 of us. I even received a compliment from our elderly neighbors on College St., who said that we were much quieter than the previous residents. If only they knew!

7. Wearing pajamas everywhere - What can I say? It was my favorite fashion statement, and if it were socially acceptable in the workplace, I'd keep rolling with it. Also, my there is my infamous Friday philosophy, which states that if one is to wear pajamas and present a general scrub-like appearance during the day on Friday, then one will look even hotter when she finally takes a shower, puts on some nice clothes, and everyone around has been drinking.

6. Thousands of people in the same age group, all gathered within stumbling distance - Besides, stumbling around in the dark is fun! I've seen some funny things on my way to or from a party, such as my esteemed boyfriend sliding down a steep, icy hill to certain doom.

5. Easy classes - I earned my grades in many classes, but there were a couple where I probably should have recieved an "F" for effort. When I managed to select one of those rare gems from the course catalogue, I tried to appreciate the shit out of it. God bless you, Fr. Reboli and Art in the Dark! Rock on, Jazz Improv!

4. Cultural opportunities that I didn't take advantage of enough - C'mon, there had to be at least one dorky entry on the list! There were a couple of times when I was really moved to go see something, like the Vagina Monologues (take that, conservative alums!), Clarence Thomas, or the guys from the Onion (resulting in my proudest moment). In retrospect, I wish I'd gotten my ass off the couch more, and checked out all the stuff that Maura spent so much time planning. :)

3. The wacky Music Department - Anyone who knows me also knows that musicians are a strange breed. I could write a book about it, and nobody would guess that it wasn't fiction. With a cast of characters including a librarian whose idea of dirty language is, "Cheeks! Anus!" to a Peter Pan-like college employee who fancied himself a music major, you can't make this shit up.

2. The Delilahs - At first, I didn't think it was my scene. A group of scantily clad, bitch-boot wearing girls? It ended up being the best extra-curricular I could have done. Hi-fucking-larious, party-lovin' people and tons of talent are a winning combination. In some ways, I learned more about music than I did in any of my classes.

1. 50 College, of course! 50 probably deserves its own top ten list. (Warning: Lots of inside jokes follow. You'll probably be bored if you didn't actually live at or pretend to live at 50). I miss our "diverse" parties, late-night smoking and food (including fires), 50 College quizzes, marathons of laying on the couches, family dinners of the lowest culinary quality ("Let's just combine these three cans of open pasta and pizza sauce!" Also, I will puke if I ever have fajitas from a box again), Michael Livsey - world's funniest landlord, watching my roommates fight over Maura's red belt, sitting on the porch and trying to make everyone who walked by skip class to hang out, IMing roommates who were about 5 feet away, Kelli's perpetual box o' wine, adventures, Tebucky the neglected bunny (and Maura's reactions to him), people going into the forbidden basement and bringing up Livsey's funny shit, doubles draft and the wall o' pictures, Delayed Dawson's, Lins's blue pants with the white stripe on the side, the Beirut table, drunk wipe-off board messages...I'm really tempted to start applying for BA #2!

Ah. A single tear just rolled down my cheek. So, who wants to make a fraternity - Old School style!
- posted by Trudes @ 7:37 PM